My husband and I got into a spat last week.

About a hat.
Yup, you read that correctly.
It was a spat about a hat. (LOL!)

I told my coach about it the day after it happened, and she laughed her ass off! Her exact words were, “This is the best fucking story! Ever!”

This is what happened.

I had been working in my office because he was working from home in the living room.
I came out to throw something away, so I stood in front of the open garbage can (this is important to the story).

From his desk, he asked me if I wanted a hat that he had been given for free at a conference. I told him that I probably didn’t, that I have enough hats.

He then walks over to me with the hat and asks again if I want it. I said “no” again. He then starts to move it towards me, pulls it back, then moves it towards me again, then pulls back…and does this a couple of times. All the while he is saying, “Are you sure you don’t want the hat? It’s a nice hat. It’s thin. It looks comfortable.”

I said, “I don’t want the stupid hat”...grabbed it from him and threw it into the open garbage can. I figured he was trying to give it to me because he didn’t want it, and if I didn’t like it, he’d throw it away.

Wrong!! LOL!

He got mad! He said, “Don’t throw a perfectly good hat away! I thought you’d want it!”

I was like, “Dude! I told you I didn’t want the hat! I thought you were telling me you would throw it away if I didn’t want it! I was standing in front of an open garbage can!”

He told me that I was really rude and then stomped away.

I stood there, probably with my mouth hanging open, flabbergasted. What the hell just happened?

Hmmm..let’s do a playback..
- I was annoyed that he kept asking me if I wanted the hat, so I got a bit snippy with my tone.
- I got angry when he was doing that stupid movement with the hat…back and forth, back and forth.
- I reacted and grabbed the hat and threw it away.
- I was annoyed again because I thought he was being ridiculous.
(He was mad at me and grumbling under his breath at his desk, making a big deal out of something so stupid.)

All very normal, very “in the moment” feelings. I’m human and have human emotions.
But feeling annoyed is not pleasant, and I know I don’t have to feel that way if I don’t want to.

I paused and thought about it and consciously decided that I didn’t want to continue with my day feeling annoyed at him.

He was perfectly entitled to think and feel whatever he was at that moment, but I didn’t have to take it on.

Because I took that moment to pause, I realized that I knew he wasn’t really upset about the hat. He gets so worked up at tax time; he had been doing some tax prep stuff earlier…and that’s what he was reacting to.

Not me or the stupid hat.

I went about my day after that and left him to deal with whatever he was dealing with. When I got home from the gym, he seemed to have let that whole scenario go.

This story is important because, in the past, I would have 100% bought into his drama.

- I would have gone from annoyed to totally pissed off because I would have kept reliving the conservation.
- I would have thought that he was being an asshole.
- I would have stomped around, huffed and puffed, and mumbled.
- I would have held onto that anger for the rest of the night.

We both would have had a miserable evening.

Thinking that he was being ridiculous and feeling annoyed would have resulted in my being ridiculous.
The things I listed above would not have helped me at all.

Thinking that he was entitled to think and feel whatever he wanted to at that moment took the temperature down, and I was able to have some compassion for him.

I could step away, give us space, and care for my needs.

And, it all blew over.

This is what I want for you.

I want you to be able to step away, give yourself space, and take care of yourself.

The next time you find yourself in a conflict with your spouse (or anyone in your life), notice how you feel.
Are you angry?
Are you annoyed?
Do you feel your teeth clenching or your face getting hot?

Can you pause in that moment, take a few deep breaths and regroup?

Or

If you had a reactive conflict with your spouse, you can reflect on it and learn from it.
What were you thinking?
What were you feeling?

How can you interrupt it the next time this happens?

We all have certain patterns that we go back to repeatedly.

Patterns when we get into a fight with our spouse.
Patterns when our spouse doesn’t take out the trash or clean up the toothpaste on the counter.
Patterns when our kids are being defiant.
Patterns when our parents get under our skin.

SO many patterns!!!
SO many patterns that result in us hurting ourselves.

Awareness is the key to interrupting the patterns and learning different ways to cope with life’s annoyances.

Becoming aware of the patterns.
Becoming aware of the fact that we can change them.
Becoming aware of the fact that we always have a choice.

I can help you gain this awareness! I can help you learn how to pause and take a step back!

Click on the link to schedule your free 30-minute consultation today!

Let’s see if we are a good fit to work together!!

As always, please feel free to leave your questions or comments below!