The other day my husband was packing for a two-week-long trip to Asia. He had been puttering around all morning and afternoon and finally, in the evening, decided it was time to pack.

I was in our dining area, very happily doing a puzzle, when he asked if I wanted to help him pack. My answer was, “Nah, you pack for these trips way more than I do. I’m sure you know better than I what you need.”

He got a hound dog look on his face and said, “Oh, I thought you’d want to help me.”

Now, let me tell you some things about me….I’m sarcastic; I curse A LOT, I love my family with all of my heart…and…I FUCKING HATE PACKING!

You may not know that (ok, some of you do, because I’ve complained to you, lol), but we have been married for 27 years…and he most certainly knows that I hate packing!

When the boys were young, and we’d go on vacation…who ensured they had everything they’d need…while still packing for herself? (Somehow, the man never knew what those boys needed. I know. I know…it’s because I always did it.)

Me!

And, who at the time thought that’s what a good mother/wife does even though she hated it?

Yup, me!

After the boys didn’t “need” me to do that for them anymore, who still complains whenever she is packing to go on a trip? (No matter how long or short the trip, this always happens. I have learned to live with it. LOL!)

Yup, me again!

He knows this!

So, after he got the hound dog look and said that he thought I would want to help him, I looked at him and said, “Absolutely not.” And went back to my puzzle.

You’d think it would end there. Right?

Well, nope.

I went upstairs to get something and made the mistake of walking into the bedroom while he was folding some work shirts. He has one of those little rectangle things you use as a guide to fold shirts so they’ll fit nicely in your carry-on. I looked and was like, “Oh, look at your fancy shirt folder thing.” Just trying to be a little funny and make him smile.

He looked up and said, “This is what I need your help with. Since you used to work retail, you know how to do this better than I do. And what will take me 15 minutes will only take you 5.”

Did I then help him fold his shirts and pack?
Nope.

I said, “You are doing a great job! You’ll be done in no time!”
Then went back downstairs to my puzzle.

Did I feel bad?
Nope.

Was he mad?
I’m not sure.
He probably was annoyed.
But I’m not sure.

I do know that when he came down, he didn’t seem mad.

He offered to make our Sunday evening cocktails, and when he was done, he sat on the couch and watched something on the military channel. And I sipped on my drink and worked on my puzzle.

It was a very pleasant evening.

Why am I telling this story?

Because I used to do stuff like this even though I didn’t want to.

Top three reasons why:

• That’s what “good” wives do.

• I didn’t want him to be mad at me.

• I felt selfish for not helping him.

And I didn’t enjoy it one bit.
I would have loved doing almost anything else.

Why don’t I help him anymore?

Uh, because I fucking hate packing. LOL.

Seriously, though.

I don’t anymore because I now know:

• I had a belief system that I adapted somewhere along the way of how wives should act. And I now challenge old belief systems because shit like that isn’t written in stone.

• I was trying to protect him from feeling a negative feeling. However, I was causing myself a negative emotion.

• I now know it is not my job to manage other people’s feelings; it’s ok if he feels a certain way. He (and other people) are allowed to feel whatever they feel; I don’t have to take it on.

• It is not the least selfish to put what I want and my needs in front of other people’s.

• I am a kind, caring, helpful, nurturing person, but that doesn’t mean I always have to do what others ask me to do.

Of course, I do many things that I don’t love doing. But, it’s different now. It’s different because I am deciding to do them.

I don’t do them because I feel like I have to, because of some old belief system, because I’m trying to save someone from their feelings, or because I think it’s selfish not to do them.

This shit is mind-blowing and life-changing!

I promise!

So, are you guilty of the things that I was?
Want to challenge old belief systems?
Want to explore why you continue to do things you don’t want to do (and hate it)?

Click on my link above to schedule your free 30-minute consultation.
Let’s see if we are a good fit to work together.
I can help.

Please feel free to leave any comments or questions below. I’d love to hear from you.