Dinner and my husband’s anger..

I am having difficulty letting my husband feel his feelings today.  I am really sad and definitely want to go into “fix it” mode. 

Last night when the four of us were at dinner, my sons started a conversation about the English language and how it is somewhat antiquated and unimportant.  They talked about texting and whatnot with their friends…how they take shortcuts with grammar, punctuation, etc. 

My husband disagreed and had very strong opinions about the English language and how opinions are formed about people when they use it correctly or not.  The conversation was actually going ok, back and forth between them…disagreements but nothing serious. 

Until…one son said my husband has “old man” views.  THAT statement threw my husband over the edge, and he got quite angry with them.  Dinner did not end well, to say the least. 

When we returned to the hotel, my sons and I were like, “WTF” just happened?  We had no idea what was happening and why my husband took things so personally.  My husband went for a walk and then right to bed when he got back…and didn’t really seem open to further conversation, so we ended the night kind of confused. 

This morning I asked him what set him off…and this is what he said:

1- His experience right now at work is that he is having a hard time finding “young people” that present themselves in a professional manner in language and work ethic. He felt very attacked in the conversation with the boys, especially after the “old man” comment.

2- He is feeling very disappointed and sad about the life that our sons are living right now. (One has been in and out of college because of health and mental issues; he is signed up to start again in the spring.   The other tried college but its just not for him, and he is working on figuring out what he wants to do with his life.)

3- He feels they don’t appreciate what they have and everything they have been given.  We are on a ski vacation right now, and he is up and out every morning at 9 am and on the slopes all day.  They are not doing that, and therefore, he feels they are being frivolous and don’t care how much money was spent on this vacation. (One son has had problems with his feet since he was little and has been in pain, so we are trying to figure his boots out.  The other goes out happy as a clam at noon.)

4- He feels that this is the last ski vacation the 4 of us will ever take, and he is very sad about that.  He wants things to be like they “used to be.” 

What I REALLY want to do is rebut every single one of these!!
1- You have experiences every day as a 52-year-old man that they are not experiencing.  Not all “young people” are the same.  He didn’t mean any disrespect by calling you an “old man.”  They are entitled to their own opinions…they are not wrong because they disagree with you! They were really sad after you went to bed last night because they didn’t know what they had done “wrong.”

2- I thought we were over the thought that the “right path” to success is to go to college for four years after high school and then onto more education.  I thought we agreed that wasn’t the right thing for our sons, and that was ok.  We want them to be happy, and we are giving them space to figure things out.

3- They absolutely appreciate everything that they have been given.  They tell us that pretty much every day.  At the beginning of the week, you told us all that you wanted us to enjoy this week the way we wanted to.  That you didn’t want to “force” anyone to do anything that they didn’t want to.  But I don’t think you meant that.  You want them to do what you want them to do.  And they’re not, so you mad at them.

4- This doesn’t have to be the last ski vacation that the 4 of us take together, but if you continue to act like an ass, it will be for sure!  Things will never be like they used to be, and if you think back to past vacations, they were never “perfect’.  There was always someone not feeling well, them fighting, etc etc.  Things are meant to change. 

And I also want to add in:

5- You had this vision in your head of what this vacation would be. You had it up on some kind of pedestal.  It is not happening that way, and therefore you think it is all wrong.

6- You clearly went into dinner last night in a mood, and while the boys thought they were having a conversation about the English language, all the while, you were having a conversation about SO much more. 

I, however, did not say any of those things.  I listened to what he had to say, it was really hard to keep my mouth shut, but I did.  After he was done talking, he said that he really wanted to go out on the slopes and think.  So, I let him. 

I’m not going to lie; after he left, I went into the bathroom and cried.  I don’t want him to be upset, so I want to give him all of the reasons why he shouldn’t be.  I don’t want the boys to be upset, so I want to have something to tell them when they get up.  Something like, “I talked to Dad this morning, and he is really sorry for getting so mad last night.”  But he isn’t sorry…so I’m not going to tell them that. 

I don’t want my family to feel what they are feeling, and I don’t want to feel what I am feeling.  It doesn’t feel good to any of us, and this is certainly not what I want the “feel” of the vacation to be.  But this is what is going on right now. 

Through coaching, I have learned that:
Sometimes you just have to cry, then grab your journal and write it all out.
I am only in charge of my own thoughts and feelings.
People are entitled to their own thoughts and feelings.
It is not my job to “make everyone happy.”

Life is 50/50…and that’s how it goes.

Full disclosure….working with a life coach does not mean that you life is going to be all rainbows and sunshine and you will never feel another “negative” emotion again. 

What is does mean is that you can acquire the skills to identify what you are thinking and feeling.  It means that you can acquire the skills to identify that you get to choose how you want to react in the circumstances in your life.  You always have a choice. 

Today, I chose how I wanted to show up for myself and my family.  Today, I chose to feel all of the feels and not react.  It was not the best feeling in the world, but I also know that it will not kill me, and that this too shall pass. 

I can teach you these skills.  I can teach you how to sit with uncomfortable feelings and still be true to yourself.  I can teach you that life is 50/50…and its not “supposed” to be any other way. 

I can help you be unapologetically you! Click on the link and schedule your free 30 minute consultation today.

I want to help.
xo