Have you tried?
I’ll never be able to…
It is impossible to…
I just can’t…
How many times have you told yourself these things? How many times did you say that to other people?
I bet you 100% believed it every single time. It’s really interesting what we can convince ourselves of.
This topic came up a couple of months ago when I was out at lunch with my coach (and friend). We were talking about someone that used to be in my life but is not anymore because she crossed a serious boundary.
I was telling my friend that I would never be able to forgive that person. That is was impossible! And I was 100% sure that it was true!
My coach asked me, “Have you tried?”
I looked at her and basically blurted out, “Fuck no!!!”
And then we looked at each other and just started laughing! It was so ridiculous! Here I was 100% sure that I was right, and here I hadn’t even tried! I had convinced myself, for years, that it was impossible and that I had no control over it.
I wasn’t even aware of it until she asked me that question.
When this person first crossed the boundary, I knew that I didn’t want to forgive her. And was taking some actions that definitely were hurting me. I had been coached on those actions over the years and eventually stopped doing them, so I thought I was good. She was entirely out of my life.
Or so I thought. When talking to my coach about her, I realized that I still had some pretty strong thoughts and feelings about her, and the idea of forgiving her. So, she was still a part of my life.
The conversation with my coach continued, and she asked me if I wanted to try. I thought about it for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think so.” I realized at that moment that I still wasn’t quite ready to let it go. I still did want to feel that anger that I felt towards her. I know that might sound strange, but recognizing that it was “ok” to feel that way, I was choosing it. (This has taken a good bit of coaching to realize that it is ok to feel “negative” feelings. It is not a problem.) I knew that I wasn’t taking action from that feeling like I used to, so I was ok with it.
I’m not sure how long after it was, but I did get coached on this subject again. I realized that I was having trouble with the word “forgive.” It’s just not a word that I wanted to use in this circumstance. I just didn’t relate to the whole “forgiveness is about you, not the other person.” I still felt like it was saying that she didn’t matter to me anymore. It did matter, but I didn’t want to feel that anger anymore. So we explored a couple of other words.
I’m unsure which one of us came up with it, but I decided on acceptance. I could accept that she had done what she had done, it broke my boundary, and now she isn’t a part of my life anymore. That felt much less charged to me. I felt much freer. I actually do not feel any anger toward that person anymore. And that is 100% about me and feels pretty awesome!
This is why awareness is so important! I was telling myself a story, I was not taking responsibility for my thoughts and actions. I was giving away that power, without even being aware.
When it was brought to my attention, I made the conscious choice to continue feeling that anger toward her, but I stayed aware. How did that anger feel in my body? How long do I want to feel this way?
My coach helped me to become aware.
Because I was aware, it didn’t take me too long to decide that I was done feeling that way. Because I was aware, I knew that I could change it whenever I was ready.
What are you telling yourself is impossible?
What are you telling yourself you just can’t do?
What are you stopping yourself from trying?
Let’s talk about these things! I can help you become aware of the situation. I can help you identify your thoughts and your feelings about it. I can help you identify the choices that you have.
This can make all of the difference in the world. I promise you that. Click on my link to schedule your free 30-minute consultation today. I want to help!
(by the way, my coach and I still laugh about that conversation! LOL!)
