I have been known to try to manipulate others’ feelings…
This week's email is a FB post I posted last Saturday on a private FB page where I am a coach.
I want to share it with you because it was a learning experience for me and can be for you too.
Here you go:
"Last month, I posted that my son relapsed and went into severe depression and anxiety again. He asked to go to a detox center and to an inpatient program afterward.
Well, he got on a plane at 8 am this morning and is heading to Utah to start his journey.
He started texting me at 6:30 am with various questions and comments. Obviously, he was very anxious and nervous and just wanted to be in touch with me.
In between texts, I was anxiously wondering what he was thinking, feeling, doing, etc. I found myself picking up my phone to text him a few times…to ask him how he was doing, feeling, thinking, etc. But I kept stopping myself because it just didn’t feel right.
I closed my eyes and asked myself why I wanted to text him and why it didn’t feel right. The answer was that in sending the texts, I would’ve been trying to make him feel better…trying to take his anxiety and nervousness away from him.
But who am I to try to do that? Of course, he’s going to feel anxious, nervous..and anything else he’s feeling. It’s normal, it’s natural, it’s to be expected.
I have often been “accused” of trying to manipulate other’s feelings…to “save” them from feeling discomfort.
When I realized what I was doing, I remembered something Angela (my coach) texted me this weekend about parenting her own children.
“It’s (parenting) not to heal all their pain or make them feel good or to prevent pain in the future, it’s to raise them up as functional humans.”
Yes, yes, yes!
After I remembered that, I grabbed my journal and wrote, “My job is not to make him feel better, it is to help him become a functioning adult.”
I wrote that 20 times in my journal! I am cementing it in my brain! This journey is just beginning, and it is going to be very uncomfortable for all of us (we will be doing family counseling during this time).
And I will not try to “save” anyone from being uncomfortable.
My job is to help him become a functioning adult.
My job is to help him become a functioning adult.
My job is to help him become a functioning adult."
I think I’m finally TRULY understanding that letting people feel their discomfort is more loving than trying to protect them from it.
It’s hard to stand by and witness it, but they can’t grow and learn without it.
It’s actually selfish of me to do that.
And it’s okay for me to be feeling uncomfortable, too. I also continue to grow and learn.
Even if you're not a parent, I think you can learn from this.
There is probably someone (or multiple people) in your life that you try to "save" from feeling uncomfortable.
Your parents
Your siblings
Your best friend
Your husband (🙋♀️) or boyfriend
I'm sure you can think of someone!
Your job is not to manipulate their feelings.
Your job is to let them have the opportunity to feel discomfort.
Your job is to let them learn and grow.
It's hard.
And it royally sucks sometimes.
But you know what?
When we try to manipulate others' feelings, it is because we are uncomfortable because they are uncomfortable!
So, we try to soothe our uncomfortableness by making it "better" for them!
Then, NO ONE learns and grows!
Ok, I think you understand what I am saying here.
This is not easy; it's a skill.
It's a skill that needs to be reinforced.
The first step is recognizing you are doing it in the first place.
Which I can help you do.
Then:
I can teach you the skill.
I can give you the reinforcement.
Click on the link to schedule your free 30-minute consultation.
https://schedulemyappointmentwsteph.as.me/
I’d love to talk to you.
