I had our beloved pet, Mr. Lizard, put down this past Sunday.

I took her (I say "her" because I found out on Friday that "Mr." Lizard was, in fact, a female! I found this out after 11 years! LOL!) to the vet because she wasn’t eating and hadn’t had a bowel movement in quite some time.

I thought she’d just get an enema (yes, they do this for reptiles), and then we’d go home.

When they took her in, they took an x-ray and drew blood to see what was happening to her.

Well, the x-ray showed a mass in her abdomen and also showed that her bones were very thin and brittle; in fact, somehow, between the 1st and the 2nd xray, her back leg broke. They have no idea how it happened and felt horrible about it. Thankfully, they gave her some pain meds, so she wasn’t in pain.

(I held her for a little while, and she felt so delicate. I never really thought of her as delicate before.)

The blood work hadn’t returned yet, so between her broken leg and waiting for those results, they wanted to keep her in the hospital again overnight.

I left the hospital still thinking that I would be bringing her home.

Obviously, that isn’t what happened.

I got a phone call Sunday morning from the vet, and through the blood test and other tests, they realized that her liver and kidneys were shutting down; she had multiple tumors and some other things besides her thin and brittle bones.

The doctor was making a list of things we could do to make her somewhat comfortable bringing her home, but I recognized that it was time for her to go.

Her quality of life from here on would not be good at all.

I didn’t want her to suffer anymore.
It wasn't a hard decision; in fact, it didn’t feel like a decision.
I didn’t see any other alternatives.

I went to the hospital and sat with her for a little bit to say goodbye, and I was also able to hold her after she had her first injection.
Boy, did I cry!

She was the first thing I saw when I came downstairs in the morning.
She was my daily companion.
I held her all of the time.
I was constantly talking to her.

Yes, even though she was a lizard, she was funny, loving, and had her own personality.
I miss her terribly.

Yesterday, while I was cleaning out her empty cage:

• I started thinking that I hadn’t done enough for her.

• I hadn’t fed her the right foods.

• I hadn’t bathed her enough.

I started questioning myself.

• Did I wait too long to put her down?

• Had she been suffering a long time?

• Why didn’t I see this coming?

These thoughts and questions were really causing me some pain!

I stopped what I was doing and started looking at pictures of her.

And, I remembered that she had the best life.

She had:

• A comfy warm home to sleep in.

• Fresh veggies, fruit, and worms to eat.

• Warm water in her cage.

• Various window perches around the apartment.

And, owners who:

• Loved her very much.

• Held her as often as possible.

• Let her roam around and explore the apartment.

• Sit staring out the window all day if she wanted to.

• Fed her.

• Bathed her.

• Talked to her.

• Spoiled her.

There is no denying that she was spoiled!

I did what I knew how to do.
I did what I thought was best at the time.
I did the best that I could.
I did everything out of love.

There is no need to feel guilty about anything.

I know that (I just needed a little reminder yesterday).

I'm sad.
It’s normal.
I’m ok.

I will look at pictures and remember the joy she brought to myself, my family, and everyone who met her.

Sadness is a sensation in my body.
It is nothing I can't handle.

I am the Get Real coach for women; what you see is what you get.
Sometimes it is laughter, sometimes its tears, sometimes its anger….I’m human.

XO,
Steph