One of my favorite subjects…boundaries!

Today I would like to talk about boundaries.

Boundaries are requests that we make of others.
Boundaries are how you will act in certain situations.
Not all boundaries have to be spoken out loud.

Boundaries are not about controlling other people.
Boundaries are not spoken out of anger. 
Boundaries are not to try to change other people.

When we don’t set boundaries, it can lead to anger and resentment. 

An unspoken boundary of mine is that I am not to be hit by people.  I don’t walk around and say, “Hey, everyone!  Just so you know, I have a boundary and expect you all to keep your hands to yourself.”   It doesn’t need to be spoken out loud. I someone hits me, I get away, I call the police, and I never see them again.  That is probably a boundary that most of us have that is not spoken aloud.

Another unspoken boundary I have is that I won’t talk politics with people I don’t know (and certain people I do know, I guess!).  If someone starts talking politics, I try to sway the conversation another way.  If that doesn’t work, I excuse myself and go my merry way.  Talking politics with strangers is not something I want to do, so I don’t do it. They’re free to talk to other people about it…I’m not trying to stop them.   

A new boundary I have set with myself is that I will cook dinner at least five nights a week.  

Since moving to NYC, it is just TOO easy to order takeout or go to a restaurant every single night. My husband and I were doing it…I know! LOL! A couple of weeks ago, I told him I didn’t want to do that anymore. I said that I was going to cook dinner at least five nights a week; I let him know that he was free to do whatever he wanted. He can eat what I cook; he can get takeout; he can go out….he can do whatever. That boundary was all about me…not trying to change him one bit!

Now, two significant boundaries that I set came after many, many years of anger and resentment toward my mother-in-law. We have a house a couple of miles away from her, and from the moment we had it, she thought nothing of coming over unannounced and letting herself in. She would come in while I was reading and start talking to me. While I was working out, stand there and talk to me. She even came into the house once while my husband and I were still in bed! I asked her many times to please call first, but she continued to do it. It infuriated me, and I would tell my husband to tell her not to do it anymore. I would get mad at him because she wouldn’t listen to him either. He’d look at me and say, “I tried. There’s nothing I can do.” And man, that would piss me off!!

Finally, after many years of this, I learned about boundaries from my life coach. I learned that I had every right to set them in my life! That it wasn’t being cruel or nasty to the other person.

It was cruel and nasty to myself if I didn’t set them!

The boundary that I set with my mother-in-law was that if she came over unannounced that I was not going to let her in (and I changed the locks). I told her that she was welcome to call us and ask if she could visit, but if I said no, then I meant no.

Then I told my husband what I told her, and also told him that if she comes over unannounced and he is here, he can let her in if he wants (I’m not trying to keep him from seeing her). However, I am going to continue doing whatever it was that I was doing, and he can “entertain” her.

I don’t think that either believed that I was going to stick to these. She came over a few times after without calling, and I didn’t let her in. She knew I was here, but I had explained to her what I was going to do, and I did it. She stopped doing that when she knew he wasn’t here, but still did it a few times when he was here.

The last time was on a Sunday when he was watching football. He had just laid down to nap on the couch when she showed up, so he got up to talk to her and never got his nap. He was a bit cranky about it but soon realized that he did have control over the situation, whereas, in the past, he thought he didn’t. He set the same boundary with her that I did…and guess what? She always calls before coming over now!

Gosh, I wish I had known that we could do that years ago! Would’ve saved a lot of anger and resentment from ever happening!

I know setting boundaries can be uncomfortable at times, and I know you can feel like you are doing something wrong. But let me assure you that you are not doing anything wrong. Setting boundaries is doing it right! For you!!

Let me help you figure out the boundaries you can set in your life! Let me help you save yourself from the anger and the resentment! I’m here for you! xoxo