Runaway thoughts and ruminating…

Oh boy, this past week, I had some serious stories and drama swirling around in my brain. I ruminated on something for DAYS, and when I finally talked about it…it ended up not being a big deal. I’ve done this in the past…I know how it works out most of the time, but I am human and still have my moments (or days, lol).

What was I ruminating on? Well, let me tell you.

On Wednesday, I received a call from both of my sons. (They both live in CO and had been hanging out all morning.) They were SO excited; I could just hear it in their voices. My younger son, Nick, explained they had come up with a great idea. They wanted to go onto Facebook marketplace and buy a couple of used motorcycles to work on together and ride together. Isn’t it so exciting that they want to do this together? Wouldn't it make a great Christmas present for them? Yes, yes! Man, I was so excited to hear their excitement that I didn’t stop to think that it'd be best to talk to Greg about it first or to ask them how much the bikes would be!

My mommy brain totally took over…” Yay, my boys are getting along!” (they had some times over the last couple of years where things were pretty bad between them) “Yay, they have an interest in common!” (Alex is very outdoorsy, Nick is not) “Yay they will be spending lots of time together!” “Yes, yes…this is worth it, no matter what the expense!!”

Well, that euphoria crashed about 30 minutes later. When I started thinking about telling Greg what I agreed to, I got really nervous. I felt it in my body….butterflies in my stomach for sure! Uh oh…what do I do? I fucked up! I did not want to tell him about this at all.

I just knew he was going to be mad. I knew he was going to tell me that I spoil them so much. I knew he was going to tell them, no, and then they were going to be mad at me. Fuck, either way, someone is going to be mad at me! I don’t want to make anyone mad at me!!

I decided that I won’t tell him Wednesday night. I justify it to myself…he had a bad day. He has enough to deal with right now. I thought about telling the boys not to tell him about them and let’s keep it all a secret. I’d find a way to pay for the bikes without him knowing! Yes, that’s what I’ll do!! Wait! What? No!!! That’s not fair to the boys or him! Or to me! I’ll be worried every day that I will be “found out.”

Thursday morning, I woke up with a knot in my stomach. Ok, tonight I will tell him when he gets home from work. I now have fights with him in my head about it. I am justifying why I agree with this. I am defending myself as a mother and wife….all in my head. That night, Oh shit…I forgot we were going out to dinner. Ok, I’m not going to say anything here because there are other people around, and I don’t want them to see us fighting. I’ll wait until we get home. Oh boy…he just ordered a second martini. Nope, not going to talk to him while he has booze in him. That’ll go nowhere.

Friday morning, I woke up with the same knot in my stomach and felt nauseous. The boystexted asking if I talked to Greg about it because they were so excited. I told them that I “hadn’t had the chance” and that I’d do it when he got home from work. Yeah, it didn't happen. He got home, and he was in such a great mood! I didn’t want to ruin his mood! I was making dinner and pacing around the apartment at the same time…I was so fidgety and kept starting to tell him. But I kept stopping. The words did not come out. I kept yelling at myself, telling myself that I was so stupid for doing that. I’m such a fuck up. I was pretty brutal to myself!

Saturday morning, I woke up still feeling the dread. If I tell him this morning, he is going to be so mad at me all day. It's going to suck. Go down to make my coffee, he says good morning and asks how I slept…and I just blurt out..”I talked to the boys the other day, they want to get motorcycles to work on and ride together. I got caught up in the excitement and said it was a great idea, all without talking to you first.” Phew! Then I stood back and waited for the anger. Kind of bracing myself for it.

He didn’t yell. He said, “Well, they are adults and legally can buy motorcycles without our permission. I’m really worried that they will get hurt, but I am glad they aren’t hiding it from us. What kind of bikes are they looking at, and, oh, did you remember to vote yesterday?”

That was it. Umm. Wow.

Do you see the pain I was causing myself? I went from the one thought, “I fucked up,” to many many bad thoughts after that! I truly believed that I fucked up and boy did I run with it!! I punished myself for days!!

But stop for a minute. What exactly did I “fuck up”? Nothing…I fucked up nothing. What are the facts? I told my boys they could get motorcycles without discussing it with Greg first, well, really…without thinking about it first. That was it! Hardly the end of the world. It was not worth days and days of agonizing over!

If I had just stopped for a minute and thought about it, I would have been able to look at the facts. But, I let myself spiral. I also would have realized that I was trying to save Greg and/or the boys from feeling something that I didn’t want to feel. I was trying to manipulate their feelings, and by doing so, I was causing myself all kinds of feelings! And I had to remind myself that, however, this all worked out..they were entitled to whatever thoughts and feelings they had. It’s unfair to all of us for me to try to manipulate that.

I’m telling you this because, well, number one, to show you that I am a human being, and I make mistakes and still find myself believing “negative” thoughts when I don’t have to. And I did have a chance to get coached on this by my coach, but I let that opportunity pass. I guess at the time, I wasn’t ready to let my suffering go; I was still trying to “deal with it” on my own. Thankfully, I have the tools to (eventually) put on the brakes and start questioning what I am thinking.

I’m also sharing this because it is a good story to learn from. Are there thoughts that have been plaguing you? Are you ruminating on them or trying to push them away, but they keep popping up…AND you keep acting from the feelings they are generating? I can help you figure out what you are thinking and why. I can help you to see the facts so you can decide how you want to think, feel and act. Click on the link to schedule a free consultation today. Let’s talk about it!! xoxo