The city of love and boundaries…

This week’s story is about Paris and boundaries.
I’ve said before that boundaries are one of my favorite topics.
They are SO important, and many people don’t know they are an option.
They think they either must accept how others treat them or end the relationship.

Suck it up, or end it.
But it doesn’t have to be either of those things.

You can choose to set boundaries.
(Remember boundaries are for you, they are not about punishing the other person.)

On to my story….

Greg was working in London for a month, and he asked me if I would like to fly out there, spend a few days in London, then take the train to Paris for the weekend.

I was like, “Uh, is that even a question? I’m booking my tickets now!”

The trip was amazing!
(However, in the past, I may have said differently.  Read on.)

I walked ALL over London by myself while he was working.
We went to amazing dinners in the evening.
We caught the train to Paris Friday evening, and all went smoothly.
Saturday, we went to The Louvre and walked all over Paris, exploring every nook and cranny.
Sunday, we went to the Eiffel Tower and had an amazing tour (and climbed 700+ steps to get to the second platform).

All was SO good!

Until we left the Eiffel Tower to walk some more.
Things flipped…

All because, on one walk, I had the AUDACITY to stop at a blinking crosswalk sign instead of rushing across.
(I know! How dare I!)

I stopped at the crosswalk, but he didn’t, and since we were holding hands, he felt that I “yanked” him backward.
He looked at me and said something to the effect of, “I can’t believe you stopped! We could’ve made it! Oh great, look!  People are crossing!”
I honestly thought he was joking and said something like, “Oh yes, I’m the devil because I stopped at the light.” 
He said something nasty in retort, and in my head, I was like, “WOAH!”
I think I felt my blood start to boil.

Before I reacted and said something nasty, I stopped, took a deep breath, and said to him,
“You don’t get to talk to me that way. And I don’t want to be near you right now.”

So, I put some distance between us and continued with my walk.
I was mad but didn’t want to stand there and fight about it.
I knew the right things for ME was to walk by myself, breathe, and think about where I wanted to go from here.

I honestly wasn’t worried about what he was thinking or feeling.
I was focusing on what was the right steps for ME.
What would benefit ME!

Because the only one that I can control is ME!

I’d say we walked that way for a good hour.
He tried to talk to me a couple of times, and I told him I wasn’t ready to speak to him yet and kept walking.

After about an hour, I worked through it and was ready to engage with him again.

I don’t remember what I said to him, but it was probably something about the scenery, the Eiffel Tower, dinner.
Who knows?
It doesn’t matter.
What matters is that was the end of it.

We moved on with our day and had an awesome evening and the rest of our vacation.

I was able to do this because I learned about boundaries.
learned that boundaries are for me; they are not a “punishment” for the other person.
I learned that boundaries are fucking necessary and awesome.

Years ago I felt it was necessary to set a boundary with him because, at times, he could be reactive and speak to me in a way that I just didn’t like,
The boundary I set with him was, “If you speak to me in a way I don’t like, I will walk away and not engage with you until I am ready.”
And I stick to that boundary every time (not that he’s nasty to me a lot, but you know, people say stupid shit sometimes).

This is HUGE because, in the past, I would have let this interaction ruin my WHOLE trip!
I’m not exaggerating!
I would’ve fought with him and tried to show him how we was wrong.
And, yet, ironically, at the same time….I would’ve beaten myself up for doing something wrong.
I would’ve cried out of frustration.
I would’ve pouted and drug it out alllllll day and night. 
I would’ve worried so much because he was mad at me.
I would’ve gone to bed angry and woken up the next day angry…and kept it going.

I truly would have been a clusterfuck.
None of that would’ve solved anything.
All of it would’ve hurt me and my experience.

And, I’m so glad I don’t do that shit anymore.
I am so glad that I have learned about boundaries.
I swear we hardly ever fight because I don’t engage with it.
It’s just not worth it (most of the time, I am human after all!).

I know he can think, feel, and say things, but I do not have to take them on.
I do not have to believe them.
I do not have to engage with them.

This really has changed my marriage and my life.

As your coach, I 100% can help you develop these skills because I apply them in my life.

I can help you set boundaries.
I can help you see that others are entitled to their thoughts and feelings, but you don’t have to take it on; you don’t have to believe it.
I  can help you see that you don’t have to engage with them.
I can help you see that you deserve to fulfill your needs.

Click the link to schedule your free 30 minute consultation.
We can talk about boundaries or anything else that it going on in your life!
XO
As always, please feel free to leave comments or questions. I’d love to hear from you.