Let’s talk about the manual- a manual is an instruction guide we have for people…it's how we would like others to behave so we can be happy. 

These are usually unspoken.

We all have them, many of them, in fact, but we don’t realize it.  We think that most people think the way we do; therefore, they’ll do things the way we would.  Or not do things that we’d never do.  

We think that there are apparent actions and inactions in certain situations or that certain people should act a certain way.

What am I talking about? Let me tell you a story about the most recent time that I realized I had a manual that I wasn't aware of.  

The last three times I was in a nail salon, there was at least one person yapping away on the phone while they were getting their nails done.  The first time I found myself getting very annoyed! Annoyed because I was thinking, “what the hell is she doing!? Everyone knows that people come here to relax, and it’s downright rude to be talking on your phone in here!!”  I found myself huffing and puffing, glaring at her, clenching my jaw, etc.  I was not enjoying my pedicure. And it was all her fault!!  I looked around, trying to catch another patron’s eyes so they could confirm that what this woman was doing was downright wrong!

And then I stopped, took a few deep breaths, and looked around again. No one else seemed to be bothered by this. They all looked perfectly calm and in no way annoyed.  

I could’ve sworn that it was the golden rule that no one should be on their phones in the nail salon.  Shouldn’t everyone be quietly talking to the person next to them, the nail tech…or sitting quietly while ready or scrolling on social media?

Nope! Clearly, that was the manual that I had in my head. It’s not a fact; it’s not written in stone; it’s not a law. It’s my opinion.

Other people may have the same opinion and the same manual…but that still doesn’t make it the “right” way.  

So interesting, right?

Once I became aware of how I was thinking and why I was thinking it I realized that I could continue to think that way and feel that way if I wanted to. Or, I could change it.  

I admit that even though I had this awareness,  I was still annoyed…but less so than in the beginning. (She was talking pretty loudly! Lol!) Because I had decompressed a bit, I could go back to enjoying my pedicure.  

What did I do the second and third times? I took headphones, so I didn’t have to listen to people talking on the phone!! That was much more pleasant than sitting there annoyed!!

With the holidays coming up, there are going to be many manuals coming together from different families and friends….from all angles, all at once. Oh boy! LOL!

Many of us go into the holiday with expectations of how things should be and how people should act. If we aren’t aware that we have manuals and that others do too…this could end up being a horrible time. Because we can end up being very reactive to those not following our manuals.  Remember, we can’t control our in-laws, our spouses, our siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins…etc.  We can certainly make requests of them, but they don’t have to agree. 

We are going to have our thoughts, feelings, and actions about things, and they are going to have their own.  We get to decide how you want your day to go!!

I used to have a manual that on Thanksgiving, at least the 4 of us would spend the day together.  It always ended up being WAY more than us, but my manual was about the 4 of us.  Since my sons have moved to CO, that manual has pretty much disappeared.  I take them as I can get them!

It’s interesting, though, because one son has decided to come home for the holiday, and the other decided to stay in CO.  I know, 100%, in my heart that if I had not been working on myself and getting coaching, I would have flipped the fuck out by that!  I would’ve been so mad and hurt that he had the chance to come here and see me, and he is choosing not to.  I most definitely, would have made it about me!

But, truthfully, I’m not upset with him at all.  Of course, I miss him, but he has a life there.  He has friends there.  He really does not like to fly and doesn't want to get on a plane.  It’s all okay!  It’s his choice.  It's his life.  Me going into hysterics about it would only make things worse.  I am not going to “guilt” him into coming home.  That’s not what I want for any of us.

I have been told a few opinions when asked if he’s coming home.  I’ve heard, “oh, I would be so upset,” “I would tell him he had to come home,” and “he’s so selfish.”  That’s their manuals, their thoughts, and their feelings..not mine.  I’m choosing a different way. 

So, going into this holiday season, I would just like to suggest that you think about what I am saying. Think about the models you have for the people in your life, and just try to be aware.  What other people do or don’t do is not what causes your feelings and actions.  It is what you think about what they do or don’t do that causes your feelings and actions.

We all have free will.  We all get to make our own choices.  We do not have to be dependent on others to be happy or have fun.  We can do that with the way we think. 

I want to hammer that home because I want you to understand the power that you have in your life!!

Click on the link and set up your free 30-minute consultation so I can help you understand this concept better!