When we don’t want to change our thoughts….

So, what happens when I don’t want to change my thought and feeling?  Well, that’s ok!  There are some situations where it would be pretty weird to not have negative thoughts and feelings!  Like if someone dies, gets sick, or moves far away.  These are circumstances where it is pretty normal to have thoughts that cause us to feel sad, worried, lonely, etc.  To try to self-coach or force ourselves out of that just isn’t realistic.  We’d most likely try to pretend, not believe it, and then end up blowing up at some point. My fantastic coach likes to say that it’s like trying to hold a beach ball underwater.  You hold it and hold it, and then all of a sudden, it just POPS up to the surface.  Oop there it is!! LOL! It’s always lying beneath the surface!

In situations like these, we would most likely do things that we don’t really want to do, or things that we know will hurt us in the long run. We just haven’t been taught otherwise! 

For example, if someone you love moves across the country.  You may have thoughts like “I hate this,” “This sucks,” or “They are leaving me”!  And those would generate feelings like sadness, anger, or loneliness.  All normal!! 

What hurts you is when you take feelings like those and do things like….overeat, over drink, constantly text them, get angry when they don’t text back, don’t move your body, sit around and pout, ruminate, complain or cry to others, don’t shower, etc etc.

Doing so results in you hating yourself, your life sucks, or you “leaving” yourself and who you want to be.  NONE of those things bring the loved one back!  All of these things are hurting you, though.  You are self-sabotaging yourself and how you want to live your life. 

So how can you make this better for yourself?

I’m glad you asked!

You can take a pause and think about what you are doing.

That will bring awareness to what you are doing and how it is affecting you.

You can grab your journal and a pen (or a piece of paper) and write out everything in regard to this circumstance. Every thought, feeling, action, result….everything.

You can acknowledge what you are thinking. “My loved one moved far away, and I hate it!”

You can acknowledge what you are feeling. “I am feeling very sad.”

You can then tell yourself, “Feeling sad is normal, but I don’t have to hurt myself.”

Then you can write out a list of the things that you will do and won’t do, that will benefit you. Go to bed when you are tired, set a time and day to communicate with your loved one, makea food plan with foods that you like to eat but don’t overeat, plan your cocktails but don’t over drink, journal, stop complaining to others, move your body, take care of yourself.  There are SO many loving things that you can do!!! 

This part is VERY important!!- Recognize that NONE of these things are going to bring your loved one back, but you are not hurting yourself!  You are not self-sabotaging!  You are learning to live the life you want to while feeling a negative emotion.  You are being true to yourself!! 

Over time your thought will probably change, and your feelings will change along with them.  Things will feel more neutral for the most part.  However,  the “old” thoughts and feelings creep back in at times, and that is perfectly normal!!  You will be able to look back at your list and remind yourself what you do when you are thinking and feeling that way.  And you can remind yourself that you are the only one that you can control and that you want to be kind to yourself!

This is a skill!  This takes time to learn, but you CAN learn it!!  I can teach you this skill, and it will change your life!!  Click on the button to schedule a free consultation with me! I’d love to help you! xoxo