Friend or “Frenemy”?

Oh, the frenemy.  Often, when we think of a frenemy, we think of the bitchy lead cheerleader with her minions in a Lifetime movie or Regina, the head of the “plastics” in Mean Girls.  Many of us can look back into our pasts and remember at least one “friend” that wasn’t a friend.  The one “friend” who could make you feel like shit if you didn’t do what they wanted when they wanted, as they wanted it.  The one friend who constantly compared themselves to you or seemed to be kind to you in private but made fun of you in a crowd. 

But, alas, frenemies aren’t always something we grow out of.  Something that we leave in the past of our awkward youth. Sometimes though they follow us into adulthood, or new ones present themselves along the way.

Some people are able to see their bullshit and either cut them off because they realize the pain they are bringing into their lives or don’t engage with the new ones that come along…and others are susceptible to their wicked ways. 

I’m thinking about this today because I was just recently at a retreat, and at least 2 women talked about people in their lives who, I believe, are true frenemies.   These professional, mature, very kind women were talking about “friends'' that continued to say and do hurtful things.  These women were truly torn up inside because they have connections with these “friends” that go back many years.  They just weren’t sure what to do.

I was not immune to this in my lifetime.  I fell into the games of a few in my childhood, teens, young adulthood, and not-so-young adulthood. 

I always tried to see the “good” in people and took my friendships very seriously.  I was extremely empathetic to a fault, and it would sometimes bite me in the ass. 

Some bites were like mosquito bites, and others were like rattlesnake bites.  

When we continue to allow people to treat us in ways we don't like, it’s because we are telling ourselves stories.
We tell ourselves things like-
*I’ve known them for so long…I can't imagine not having them in my life.
*If I end this friendship, I will be alone.
*They really don’t mean it.
*This isn’t a big deal; I’m fine.
*I don’t want to hurt their feelings.

We gaslight ourselves.  
We don’t listen to our intuition.
We don’t listen to our gut. 
We sweep aside any little niggling doubt about the friendship that may come into our brains.

So how do you recognize if someone is a “frenemy”?

By tuning into yourself and paying attention.

If there is someone in your life that-
You feel bad about yourself after seeing or speaking to them.
You feel physically and emotionally drained after spending time with them.
You find yourself avoiding texts or phone calls.
You lie and say you are busy when they ask to get together.
You make excuses when other friends or family ask why you are still friends with them.
ALWAYS talks about themselves…and never ask how you are.
Never celebrates your achievements.

These are all pretty good indications that you have a frenemy. 

Often it is not one of these things (or things like this)…it is a combination of some or all.  

So what can you do if you come to this realization?
First- take a deep breath and tell yourself that everything is ok.

And then, remind yourself that you have power in this situation.
YOU get to decide what to do.

There is no right or wrong way.  

You know the situation better than anyone and get to decide what is right for YOU!

Some suggestions-
*You could talk with them and tell them what you think and feel.  Some people may not realize what they are doing, and this conversation may help improve the relationship. (It may not, just keep that in mind!)
*You could decide that you are going to distance yourself from them.  There doesn't have to be a big “breakup” if you don’t want there to be.  You can just limit your interaction with them.  
*You could go for the “breakup” and just end the relationship right then and there.  
*You could continue with the relationship exactly how it is and be ok with it. But remember, if you decide to do this, you are not expecting them to change.  You are accepting them just the way they are…warts and all.  

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to handle this.
The right thing is the thing that feels loving and caring to YOU!

You may feel uncomfortable with what you decide to do (face it, you probably will), but that is OK!

You are already uncomfortable with the relationship, so it's nothing you haven’t felt before!
You can handle it!

They are going to feel uncomfortable.
And that is ok!
Their feelings are not more important than your own.
They can handle it!

I know this may seem “easier said than done.” But remember, you don’t have to do it alone!

I 100% can help you navigate through any of the above scenarios!
I can help you figure out what to do next!
I have been there!! 

Click on my link to schedule your free 30-minute consultation today, and let’s see if we are a good fit to work together!!