I HAVE to…
Yesterday’s blog was about defining what you want and don’t want to do this week, different ways of looking at them, and deciding where or not to do them.
But Steph….what about the things I HAVE to do this week?
I have to go to my in-laws.
I have to cook Thanksgiving dinner.
I have to go to work at 4:30 AM on Black Friday after hosting 30 people. (Yup, I did that for three years because I worked in retail.)
How do you feel when you think that you have to do something?
Most of the time, it makes me feel annoyed, and I don’t necessarily go into those things with a willing spirit; I go into them begrudgingly.
When I go into things begrudgingly, I don’t usually show up as my best self.
Let me give you an example:
C- Thanksgiving Dinner
T- I have to go to my in-laws.
F- annoyed
A- complain to everyone that listens that I have to go there, be nasty to my husband, be cranky to the kids, talk badly about my inlaws to husband and kids, get snippy with my inlaws, sulk, drink too much, overeat,
R- I believe I have no choice in the matter and have a horrible day. (While also ensuring others don’t have a good time either!)
The truth of the matter is that I don’t have to go. I do have a choice, and I can say No. It doesn’t matter if it is what we “always” did or if it is expected of me. I have free will and can decide not to go.
You have the same free will, and you also can decide not to go, decide not to cook dinner, or decide not to go to work. Just because they are things that you’ve done for years doesn’t mean you have to continue to do them. Just because it is “expected” of you, you can still say No.
But people will be mad at me or disappointed or hurt!
Yup, they might be! Those feelings are generated by their thoughts about you not doing those things, not because you aren’t doing them!
Thanksgiving Dinner is a neutral circumstance; we know this because there are many different thoughts out there about Thanksgiving Dinner. To some, it's a big deal; to others, it's just another day; to some, it's all about extended family; to others, it is about their nuclear family; some people love the day, and some people hate it….so many different thoughts that generate different feelings about the same day.
Other people are entitled to their thoughts and feelings; you don’t have to sacrifice your thoughts and feelings to make them feel better.
You have the power to decide if you are going to do them or not. Decide to figure out what you want to do, and own it. Take responsibility for that decision, knowing some people might not be happy.
Say I decided not to go to my inlaws for Thanksgiving Dinner. It could look like this:
C- Thanksgiving Dinner
T- I chose not to go to my inlaws.
F- decisive
A- I sit with my husband and explain that I’m not going. I tell him that if he and the kids want to go, then I am perfectly fine with it. I cook myself dinner, don’t overeat, watch a movie on Netflix, and chat with them when they get home
R- I choose and make the decision that is right for me.
I want to point out that I am making the decision not to go, but I am not going to tell him that he and the kids can’t go. I am not going to tell him what he has to do because he has free will as I do. If he decides to stay home with me, that’s awesome; if he chooses to go, that is fine too. He also may be having thoughts that I should go and may be annoyed at me. That is ok; I don’t have to take it on. His thoughts, his feelings.
But isn’t his family going to have something to say about that?
Most likely! And, again, that is ok!! Their thoughts, their feelings about the circumstance. I don’t have to take on what they say. I would probably ask my husband not to tell me what was said about me. I don’t need to know!!
I do have two other choices:
I could go exactly the way I laid it out in the model. It is my prerogative and decision to make. However, it doesn’t sound like a fun time.
Or,
I could see if there was a different thought I could believe. Do I want to go to support my husband and kids? Do I want to go because there is one person there that I connect with?
I could try on different things and see how they feel in my body. I do want to support my husband and kids, so that is something that feels pretty good. So this is how it could pan out.
C-Thanksgiving Dinner
T- I’m going to my in-laws because I want to support my husband and kids.
F- supportive
A- be nice to my husband and kids, get involved in the preparations at my in-law’s house, engage in conversations with others, honor my drink plan, don’t overeat
R- I support myself (and my husband and kids).
I want to challenge you to rethink the things that you tell yourself you have to do. My wish is that you realize that telling yourself you have to do something is causing you pain. You’ll be able to identify that you have choices and can relieve yourself of that pain.
I understand that this may be a new concept for you. We aren’t always told we have choices, so we think we are stuck. I would love to help you understand this concept better. I’d love to help you get unstuck! This concept is essential for everyday life…not just during the holidays!
Click on the link to schedule your free 30 minute consultation with me. I’d love to help!
